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Dog Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

How Dogs and Men are the Same

1. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
2. Both mark their territory.
3. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
4. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
5. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Both fart shamelessly.
8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
9. Both like dominance games.
10. Both are suspicious of the postman.
11. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs are Better than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch
   (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
   (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Things to learn from Dogs

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID. ( See Photo above )
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility
   (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
9. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
10. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
11. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
12. When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
13. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
14. Take naps and always stretch before rising.
15. Run, romp, and play daily.
16. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
17. Be loyal.
18. Never pretend to be something you*re not.
19. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
20. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
21. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
22. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
23. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
24. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
25. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
26. No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.
    Run right back and make friends.

Why Dogs are better than Women

1. Dogs don't shop.
2. Dogs don't cry.
3. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
4. Dogs think you sing great.
5. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
6. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
7. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
8. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
10. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
11. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
12. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
13. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
14. A dog's parents never visit.
15. Dogs understand that instinct is better than asking for directions.
16. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
17. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
18. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
19. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk,
    and the back of your sock drawer.
20. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
21. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
22. Dogs never lobby for foot-rubs.
23. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
24. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

1. Both usually look stupid in hats.
2. Both tend to have problems with their hips.
3. Both look good in fur.
4. Neither realizes that silence is golden.
5. Both constantly want back rubs.
6. You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
7. They both overvalue kissing.

How Women are Better than Dogs

1. It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.